Nobody knows you...

no notebook (I dont expect anyone to read this)

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 09:45:25 GMT

I lost my notebook. I write everything in my notebook, which is why I am typing this. I hate losing things. I have a spare notebook at home but it doesn't have all the things I have found important enough to jot down. It is aggravating.

I have problems, yes. I am not going to whine about them though. It gets old after awhile, even for the person whining. I am dealing with it, and that's all that matters. I am sick of doing nothing when I am not happy. It is like I have accepted being unhappy. But now, while I may be unhappy, and unhappy for awhile, I am at least going to try and fix it. I hate my school, so I'm leaving. I'm crazy about one of my best friends, so I am either going to put it out there for her to see or move on. I feel the latter being a more realistic and safe solution, while the former could end up making me very happy or, on the other hand, very rejected and sad. I want more, so I am demanding more. I am not going to settle for less from now on. I love life, I just haven't really shown it yet. I need a release or a push. But I think I am getting there. Visiting Pitt this weekend helped a hell of a lot. I got to see one of my best friends and check out a really great school that I wish I had visited sooner. Sooner being Senior year, two years ago.

I have felt so empty, but if I was never empty then I would never be able to fill myself. I think it is about that time. I have been trying hard, and there needs to be a pay off soon.

Recently, the only thing keeping me from running away is money. I don't have enough money to make it away from my family. My family does factor in, I'd miss them, but I wouldn't be abandoning them. I just feel like starting somewhere else and doing something completely new would help me. I need something big to happen, but I don't see myself running away any time soon. It would a last resort. I would tell people what I was doing. I am an adult, they can't stop me. I would just be completely on my own. But I feel that way for the majority of the time now.

I don't know what, but something needs to happen. I have been optimistic for too long. But, I can't stop thinking positively now. I wouldn't be able to find a legitimate reason to think negatively. After dealing with somethings in life, you begin to find so many of your other problems pointless. They just become unnecessary stressors. And the best mantra you can have is,"You've dealt with worse."

Although, when that time comes that you are dealing with something and it is by far the worst you have ever dealt with, you just have to let it surround you. Let it shape you, or you won't be able to handle anything else in your life ever again. Just don't let it consume you.

Don't let it control you.

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 10:15:34 GMT

I have been thinking a lot lately. A little too much actually. I get into these weird stints where I can't express how I feel to anybody and I close myself off every chance I get. I have spent more time in my room than anywhere else in the past month, and I think I might go mad. I hate being like this. A few specific things happen when I get like this. I don't leave my room, I don't sleep, and I can't shut my brain off no matter how hard I try. I think about today, tomorrow, the past, the future, girls, friends, my mom, my dad, my step mom, my baby brother, my not-so baby brother, my job, school, love, music, time, and anything else that slips through the cracks of my withering sanity. I can't organize my thoughts right now, I'm gonna right more when I can think straight or at least straighter.

Mon, 28 May 2007 01:43:23 GMT

I wish I could tell you how I feel about you, but then maybe things wouldn't be the way they are. Maybe it would be better that way. Fuck if I know. All I know is this is the most frustrating thing in the world to me right now. If you aren't single by the time you leave for school, I am spilling my guts with no expectations of what you may do or say. I can only be hung up on this for so long.

This is tough.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 21:59:38 GMT

I feel really good right now. This is weird because I have a lot to do this week and I as wanting to go home some time this week but that doesn't look very possible. So all things considered I shouldn't probably be feeling the way I am feeling. But I think the fact that summer is so near is what is keeping my spirits high. No matter how much I have to do in the upcoming week or two, it will be over soon.

Speaking of summer, this one is looking like it will be one of my first summers without a girl friend. The thing is I have never liked having a girl friend in the summer, but now I think I want one more than ever. And maybe not a girl friend persay, but just somebody who cares about me a little bit more than everybody else. Somebody that wants to be there for me when things are shitty. I just kind of want that best friend. I mean I have people that are really good friends of mine, but it would just be nice to find something a little more special. Things might be the way they are right now because most of the friends I have right now are fairly new to me. Regardless, I'm still pretty happy right now. Things will shape up.

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 04:32:23 GMT

Summer is so fucking close I can see it growing near from off in the distance. I'd probably be able to smell it if the air wasn't so frigid and I wasn't so stuffed up. Two weeks and classes are over. WTF!?!?!? That's including finals. SO messed up. It feels like I have at least a month left in me, but I'm not going to argue.

Bring on the summer...

good day

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 06:46:34 GMT

I love Delaware. I really really do. Anyone and anything I have ever cared about live or have lived in or around there. And currently most of whom I call friends live there, at least during the summer. So I just absolutely love being there.

Today I decided to visit this place I love so much. The next month is gonna me insane. I won't be able to come home really until summer because I have races every weekend from here until school lets out. This weekend is D.C., next is Camden for the Knecht Cup, and then Tennessee for the SIRA (Southern Intercollegiate Rowing Association) Championships. That last one is a biggie. I will undoubtedly be in that one. Pssh! No pressure right? Right actually, because the biggest is the last one, The Dad Vail Regatta. Temple usually wins, so yeah, if I fuck up I'm gonna hear about it. And this brings me right back to my point. This is exactly why I decided to visit my friends in DE. I needed the stress relief.

It worked great. Carolyn met me somewhere along South College and we walked to the green, on the way seeing Theresa at rugby practice. When we got to the green I began to rapid fire call people. The first being Katie who happened to be sitting about twenty feet away from us with her friend Scott. Becca eventually showed up and we all sat there and talked nonsense for awhile as usual. It never gets old, I can't even begin to explain what we talked about. It was ridiculous. Mullery got there and procured a frisbee for us which was fun. Then eventually everybody had to be elsewhere except for Becca and I, so we made our way to the diner. We just people watched and took a few pics on my computer until Mike came by with a fairly amazing mustache. I have never had a mustache so great. I absolutely loved it. More nonsense ensued while we listened to Matt & Kim, Sunset Rubdown and other goodies on my computer. I was even able to grab a wireless connection from across the street from Panera. We all did some web surfing and I even got to show them the Matt & Kim video I was so proud that I found on Youtube. I even got to see Monica and Alex who I hadn't seen since Brooklyn. It was pretty cool seeing them again. Eventually I had to be driven to the Wilmington train station and arrived back in my room just in time to do a shot with my roommate as the clock struck 12 making him 19 years old.

I had good day.

I've got some work to do

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 12:42:22 GMT

Currently, I weigh 158 lbs. Over the course of about 3 months my max goal is to lose 35 lbs. I haven't weighed less than 130 lbs since about eighth grade. But, I guess it can be done.

Honestly, losing 20 will be an accomplishment, but I am still aiming for 35.

Probably the most boring night I have had in awhile

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 02:37:53 GMT

The past two weekends have been fantastic. But this one is just plain horrible. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I understand that every weekend can't be as fun and memorable as the past two, but whenever I am here, at school, I never have one of those kinds of weekends. It doesn't help that I haven't really clicked with anyone yet, but it isn't like I haven't tried. I'm not the kind of person to not get along with anybody. I put myself out there everyday and I don't ever come out with much. It just isn't making sense to me. The past couple of weeks I've been introduced to new people and have gotten along great with them. Near the end of winter break most of who I was hanging out with were new to me. I had only met them a week or so before feeling like they were the people I could call and they would actually want to hang out with me. Here I am not getting that at all. I am just getting this weird vibe from everybody I have been hanging out with the past few months at school. I just don't think they are the kind of people that like me very much, for whatever reason. Just to add to the problem, most of them live in the same building while I live on the other side of campus.

Needless to say, I am still seriously considering transfering.

The moon was huge tonight

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 07:50:30 GMT

I am glad Christmas is over. It wasn't nearly as bad as i had expected but I still had some problems. My mom made it easier. Visiting Peter's grave also put things into perspective. I looked all around me at the cemetery and realized that I am nowhere near alone. So many people are missing loved ones on the most beloved holiday of the year. It was also sad and holding back tears didn't work as I had planned.

Well enough with Christmas. Tomorrow I am supposed to hang out with Jessica. It will be the first time since Thanksgiving that I will be seeing her and I don't know how to act. She has a boyfriend now, at least I'm pretty sure she does. So if that is true, I will just be playing the part of very good friend as I have oh so many times in the past. By now I know exactly how to act in this type of situation, I am practically an expert. I still got her a present for Christmas. That may seem lame, but in the grand scheme of things she will always be a good friend of mine and i truly value her friendship, sometimes she is the only one who will listen to me. I am not even sure what me and her will be doing tomorrow, probably main street and lunch.

I need sleep but I know I am going to play on my acoustic now for at least an hour.

sleeeeeeeep

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 10:46:52 GMT

I neeeeeed sleep, God damn it. What is going on recently? It is impossible for me to sleep. I've been trying for hours now and have finally given up. I have work at 10:30 and before that I need to find a car to use so I can get there. This is ridiculous, I work a double my first day back. I don't think I remember how to do anything with the computers or anything. I'll pick it back up, but it will be pretty funny to watch. I hate that I need money so badly.

Speaking of money, Christmas is in sight. Shit, it is on the fucking horizon. Never has this time of year not felt like Christmas as much as it does right this moment and it probably won't for awhile. Not to mention it was pushing 70 degrees outside today, Jake had shorts on, but then again its Jake.

The agenda for tomorrow consists of 'getting up', going for a run, finding a car to use, taking a shower, going to work, possibly a second workout at Anne's or going into Newark for a little bit and eventually coming home and collapsing. Maybe I will sleep tomorrow night. I can only hope.

If I had one wish right now, it would be that this break was everything I'd hoped it would be. Well, you can't always get what you want, but you can make the best of what you have. Maybe I'll find that I get what I need. (Good song). Guess we will see.

it was a good night

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 09:08:37 GMT

Tonight was a very good night. I left after dinner to go see Kayla at work and give her some of the best coffee she has ever had, I am just good like that. After her break, I wandered around Toys R Us for awhile until someone pointed me in the right direction for Thomas the Train, my baby brother's favorite thing in the world. It was all expensive so I bought nothing. I went to the mall to Christmas shop and ended up buying myself a pretty kick ass shirt from Pac Sun and later found out Erin had the same shirt. She has good taste.

I call Erin after the mall, and head over to UD to see what was up. I met the ever so famous/infamous Kate, then we blew that coupe and made our way to the top of the world. We four-wheeled our way up, which is an incredible amount of fun. It was uber foggy so we couldn't see much of anything, but it was still cool to be up there. We sat on the back of the Kia, listened to music and talked. It was wonderful. Erin suggested we leave before my battery died, she made a good call.

We grabbed some Wawa and continued the party back at her place. We talked and talked and talked and now I am all talked out. I am still awake so maybe I will go unpack all my stuff.

up late, or early?

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 10:23:37 GMT

It is past 5 AM, the fresh prince of belair is on and I am still sitting at the computer, hands freezing awake with nothing to do but start this live journal, which I have been meaning to do for awhile now. I get tired of scribbling all of my thoughts down in a notebook and I remember how helpful this used to be when I had one before. I didn't even realize how many friends I had that still wrote in them.

And I am not on my beloved macbook right now so I don't have any beautiful pictures of myself to put up at the moment. Only ones my mom took from a regatta where I looked like utter shit, but maybe one of those will make it up somewhere.

Well my mom is going to be up soon, I better at least look like I'm trying to sleep.